Dean’s Date Blog Fall 2024

Written By Alexandra Bertilsson

Location: The Tortured Poets Department

(Taylor’s Version)

Location: the Spotify Wrapped algorithm

Want to know what your classmates are listening to? Desperately need inspiration to write the last 13 pages of your essay on the social hierarchy of campus squirrels? We’ve got you covered.

Andy Warhol by David Bowie - EE '28 

I Know The End by Phoebe Bridgers - LT '27

Minecraft FULL SOUNDTRACK by Luigi (on YouTube) - LK '26

With a Little Luck by Wings -IM '28

Spain by Chick Corea -MA '27

The entire GNX Album by Kendrick Lamar -W '28

Liquid Smooth by Mitski  -LT '27

Can't Hold Us by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis  - IM '28

No Children by The Mountain Goats - LT '27

Sleeping In by Radio Dept.  - EE '28

The entire Arcane League of Legends Soundtrack by Various Artists  - GS '28

Balloon (feat. Doechii) by Tyler, The Creator - LT '27

Glorious by Macklemore  - IM '28

Mad Dog by Crane Wives - MB '27

La Campanella (Piano Version) by Franz Liszt  - MV '27

Location: the mind of ChatGPT

On this sunny Dean’s Date, we turned to ChatGPT (which, of course, no one at the Press Club would ever use—perish the thought) to give us an honest, unfiltered take on the types of people you’ll find at Princeton. Why? Because after three days buried on C Floor of Firestone without seeing another soul, we’ve genuinely forgotten what other humans look like. If you, too, need a refresher on the quintessential Princeton Tiger, read on. {This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the CHAT GPT’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.}

1. The Pre-Med Perfectionist
Fueled by coffee from Small World and sheer ambition, they practically live in Lewis Library, surrounded by Kaplan MCAT books and a never-ending to-do list. If you’ve ever been guilt-tripped into being a practice patient in the simulation lab, it was probably them. They can recite the Health Professions Advising website verbatim and complain about Orgo so often it might as well be their side hustle.
2. The Econ Bro in the Vest
Spotted at Career Services events, hobnobbing with Goldman Sachs reps while casually dropping words like "synergy" and "M&A." They have an impeccable collection of quarter-zips, all bearing Princeton logos or finance firms they interned with last summer. They will die on the hill that their Bloomberg Terminal experience qualifies them for more than entry-level jobs.
3. The EQuad Dweller
You’ve never seen them in a dining hall because their meal plan is ramen and Red Bull. They have an uncanny ability to survive on five hours of sleep spread across three days. They call their COS 226 problem sets “light work” but will laugh maniacally when asked about their capstone project. Occasionally, they resurface at the Street, only to talk about their summer gig at Tesla.
4. The Chill Philosophy Major
Frequently found reclining in a beanbag chair in Campus Club, lost in thought over The Critique of Pure Reason. Their schedule is an enigma: they always seem to have time for coffee at Small World, Frisbee on Poe Field, and casual debates about free will. They’ll claim to hate the pre-professional culture at Princeton while secretly eyeing consulting gigs at McKinsey.
5. The Senior Thesis Hermit
By spring semester, they’re a shadow of their former self, mumbling phrases like “my adviser hated chapter three” or “I need more archival material from Firestone.” Their desk in their thesis carrel is a fortress of books, crumpled papers, and empty Bent Spoon cups. If you ask how it’s going, they’ll stare into the void for a few seconds before muttering, “It’s fine. I’m fine.”

Location: JRR (the Econ building, fyi)

Location: Firestone :)

- AB’26

It's almost 5pm. You're hungry. I'm hungry. We keep forgetting to eat and instead write and submit and edit and not edit because there is no time (just submit!). As inspiration to get in your daily calorie count (because your brain doesn't work without food), here are some of your Dean's Date snacks:

  • "Wasabi peas" -  EE '28 (A classic.)

  • "Yerba Mate" - MB '27 (I've never tried it, but I've heard great things.)

  • "A woodchip or two. Helps wake you up." - IM '28 (Very... nutritious?)

  • "Fruit bars" - GS '28 (What is your favorite brand? I need recs.)

  • "Pocky" - LK '26  (Again, I've never tried it, but everyone says it's the best!)

  • "Bananas stolen from the dining hall and the chocolate bar that I reward myself with one square of for every ORF 309 problem" - LT '27                                         
    (You should try the chocolate and the bananas together. Amazing.)

  • "Salt and pepper popcorn" - MA '27 (SO GOOD.)

  • "Worry has removed my appetite" - MV '27 (The most relatable answer by far.)

 We're so close. Grab a snack and lock in for the next few hours. I have faith in you.

- EH’27

Location: {unclear}

And in other news, the rumours and speculations over the New Jersey drones turned out to

be a Princeton concoction being used to force students out of procrastination. The drones

themselves are said to be particularly centered around Firestone Library, where they have been

spotted following students back to their dorms forcing them to work. President Eisgruber

commented on the new system, called Drone Educational Responsibility Program (or DERP),

saying that all drones are equipped with a “skeleton key card.” This allows him to spy into any

part of Princeton's campus, including the technically off-campus eating clubs. He said the current

members of Elm are “perpetually under surveillance to assure (they) are retaining the same

conditions he wrote on a napkin five years ago.” One unfortunate drone was shot down by a

rogue Coors Light can on Thursday, to which Eisgruber called “boys being boys.”

The drones themselves are said to pose no threat to campus life, but some students are

worried. As a member of the Princeton community, I believe these drones should be put to work

just like the students are. Rather than flying around with nothing to do but stare at students, they

should be forced to do weekly P-Sets and full book readings. Furthermore, they should stop

bothering those who are actually trying to get the only A+ in their COS class by sucking up to

the professor. Overall, these drones are an unnecessary hindrance on the students and Eisgruber

must stop!

- GN’28

Location: Small World

Tigers: the moment is upon us. The Day of Deadlines, the Dean-est of Dates. It’s Dean’s Date Fall 2024.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZE9gVF1QbA

And here at the Dean’s Date Blog, instead of diligently typing away at our own assignments, we’re here to provide a much-needed distraction from yours! Consider this your procrastination station, complete with updates, memes, and the occasional burst of motivation to keep you going.

Before we get started... we know you’re busy, but PLEASE!!!?!???! HELP US OUT WITH OUR DEAN’S DATE SURVEY?? It takes 2 minutes, and you’ll be entered into a drawing for eternal glory!!*

https://forms.gle/ZndFtQqBxkC669517

*There will not be eternal glory.

You’ve got this, Tigers. The clock’s ticking—let’s make these last few hours count!

—Yours, the Press Club

Alexandra Bertilsson
Next

Dean’s Date Blog Fall 2023