Abandon Shame All Ye Who Enter Here
All right, Princetonians. You've committed to a career in Reality TV. And you’ve figured out your Ivy League stereotype. You’re so close now – so very close to pseudosuperstardom.Take a deep breath, swallow your pride, and get ready for…Part 3: Choose A ShowThere are two types of Reality shows: those that celebrate and reward genuine talent (Project Runway, Top Chef, American Idol) and those that don’t (everything else). Now, if you’re gifted enough to land yourself a spot on one of the “talent-rewarding” shows, you’re probably also gifted enough to land yourself a real job. And if that’s the case, you’re probably not reading this blog post.Sorry, darling Inkblots. [As in, readers of The Ink -- Is that cute? Does it work?] But the truth is that your best shot lies in auditioning for the second group of shows – those that take supposedly “ordinary” Americans (plus some Ivy Leaguers!) and places them in highly contrived, “extraordinary” situations.So which program will it be? There are so many options!
Survivor: The granddaddy of all Reality competition shows. 16 contestants stranded in a remote locale, picking each other off one by one (poor Piggy... so young, so asthmatic). Its premiere season in 2000 featured reality television's very first Ivy League Idiot, the relentlessly quirky Greg Buis. Season 13 (Survivor: Race War) was won by Yale Law grad Yul Kwon.
Pros: Big bucks. Survivor pays out the highest winnings of any show for players who place in the middle- and top-tiers. And even the first contestant out gets a monthlong vacation in paradise. Not a bad deal.
Cons: Starvation.
Amazing Race: The genre's visually stunning class act. Teams of two hopscotch the globe performing a series of tasks (Milk camels in Burkina Faso! Row boats in Vietnam!). Harvard Grad BJ Averell won Season 9 racing with his best friend; Woody Woo grad student Christina Hsu and her father placed second in the show's 12th edition.
Pros: Travel the world for free with your buddy/girlfriend/family member!
Cons: Jet Lag + Stress = meltdown city. You might win big money, but you'll probably destroy a cherished relationship in the process.
America's Next Top Model: Only open to ladies over 5'7''. Top Model wants to be one of those "talent" shows, but who's it kidding? No matter how hard Tyra tries to convince us, Smiling With Your Eyes will never be a real-world skill. Brown University's Afrocentric Yaya was Cycle 2's runner up, but combative Yalie Victoria flamed out in Cycle 9 and was booted 3rd.
Pros: Free makeover! Odds are, your hair will either be chopped off entirely or dyed ice blonde. Bonus: white girl weaves.
Cons: If you make Tyra angry, she might just kill you.
The Real World: This is the true story of seven strangers, picked to live in a house and have their lives taped... Oh, come on. You know this show. Your middle-school self totally used to sneak down to the basement and watch Real World marathons for hours on end (in the process permanently desensitizing said middle-school self to binge drinking and the hookup culture... thanks, MTV). Princeton football player Kyle Brandt appeared on the Chicago season, and later had a career as a soap opera actor.
Pros: Regular appearances on the show's Challenge spinoffs mean you'll never have to find a real job.
Cons: Everyone knows that the show's gone, like, way downhill.
VH1 Dating Shows: Flavor of Love. I Love New York. Daisy of Love. For Love of Ray J. Rock of Love. Trashy. Addictive. Sublime. Princeton '07 grad Autumn Anderson recently appeared on My Antonio, where she competed for the affections of soap opera star Antonio Sabato Jr. (Kyle Brandt, call your agent NOW)
Pros: Marry the man or woman of your (most feverish) dreams!
Cons: None.