A Letter To My Freshman Self

Hey.Looking good in that American Eagle polo and drawstring cargo shorts. Might want to pick up a deep-V at some point, but the current ensemble probably won't prevent you from rolling into Quadrangle, six dudes deep. Quadrangle (colloquially "Quad") is one of ten eating clubs,  which are places you'll go to up to four times a week to drain brews and nervously learn to socialize at an advanced undergraduate level. Tactics should not include: "Yeah, I'm totally a senior," "Aren't we Facebook friends?," and "What activities are you doing to get into Woody Woo? I'm in Sustained Dialogue." On that note, don't be anxious about talking to girls-- all the pretty ones have already slipped out of your reach and into the enviably post-pubescent arms of upperclassmen anyway. Maybe for now you should do me a solid and knock off an ST.It's cool that you love your entryway and your RCA is a total sweetie.  Enjoy those late-night philosophy discussions with your roommates and be sure to savor all those nuggets of bona fide intellectualism, including "Existentialism IS a humanism," "Dude, that's totally post-racial,"  and "You should totally rush St. A's." Soon the pseudo-intellectualism will begin to wane and you'll find yourself power-walking directly to the liquor store once LIN360 lets out. Make sure not to schedule too many classes that end at 4:30--you're going to need time to pick up a pack of 100s and a soy latte  (with room for Schnapps) before Nassau Weekly meetings.Also, that mine-field of bacne you developed on OA should be clearing up any year now (consult Neutrogena), so cool beans. But, unfortunately, that hope you're holding out of bulking up in the gym is change you can't believe in. Your time is better spent funneling beers and volume booting all over your suite-mate's wall.Oh, and word to the wise, chief: photocopying Tower passes in Marquand is a no-go. They're embossed.Love, Ted