Michelle Obama '85 hearts UC-Merced :(

Oh, Michelle. How long will you scorn our love?We name drop "Michelle LaVaughn Robinson '85" in every conversation and press release possible. We've enshrined your image in the sacred Yankee Doodle Tap Room. We've appointed you to the sociology department's advisory board. We've hired Cornel West and started the Center for African American Studies... just for you! WHY WON'T YOU LOVE US?What must we do for your acknowledgment--your blessing? Even a slight recognition would do. A mention of your alma mater in a national interview. A casual orange and black outfit whilst dropping off Sasha and Malia at Sidwell. Revelations about your love for tigers. A trip to Nassau, Bahamas, even. ANYTHING! We love you, but you've visited only once since 1985, and it was to ask us for money.Michelle--we beat our chests and cry lonely wails at night for your embrace! We curl up in our beds and listen to Dashboard Confessional--yes, screaming infidelities--our saline tears staining our jersey bedsheets. You've broken our hearts, again.We hear that you'll be speaking at UC-Merced's commencement this tomorrow afternoon. Was it their 91% acceptance rate? Their 5% yield? We can do that, too! We're on our way!What was that? Merced students have been lobbying you since January? They sent you 900 Valentines? They made a Youtube video? What powerful elixir did they concoct in digital form that persuaded you to travel to the San Joaquin Valley? No, Joaquin Phoenix isn't there! He's gone crazy! There must be a terrible mistake, Michelle.Oh, watch the video? Okay... Oh my. Oh, God. THAT worked? Jesus Christ. Sorry, we don't do cheesy here. kthanxbai.(image source: mercedsunstar.com)